"Pending Presence"

[Jackson A Ragg III]

Hey.

I fired this up in a few minutes and haven't edited it much. I just wanted to get some preliminary thoughts. Slice, dice, stretch in wild, uncharted directions: I'm open to anything. I'd particularly appreciate tips on how to deviate from its somewhat standard rhythm (a big problem I'm facing these days), if you feel this simple piece would benefit from that. Also, line breaks. I'm still trying to figure that out.

Hopefully not a tall order.

Thanks.

P.S: I always somehow manage to unintentionally rhyme.



Pending Presence

Dance floor swells with anticipation
Preoccupation
No concentration
Anywhere but here
Anxiety rises
Pores flare
“Keep moving, keep moving
Until she appears”

Cadence

Crane your neck

Vamp
Predictability to shoulder-check
Curtain call

And you’re still on the floor
Alone
But hopeful

[amberlee]

Thanks for passing this along! Its great to see!

I really like the flow from Cadence on. The first part is a little jilted, I'm not sure if taking out the stanza Anywhere but here would help. If you're looking to catch the feeling of dissonance from dancing that line makes it seem like you don't want to be there rather then feeling disconnected and ecstatic.

Thanks again, and hope that helps.

[Jackson A Ragg III]

Okay, I had a big response typed up, but I can't adequately explain myself, so I'm starting over.

"Anywhere but here" was supposed to make "Preoccupation/No concentration" seem less contradictory, but then I realized: a person can be both preoccupied and have no concentration, so maybe that line can be scrapped.

How's this instead?:

Dance floor swells with anticipation
Preoccupation
No concentration
Anxiety rises
Pores flare
“Keep moving, keep moving
Until she appears”

The transition from "No concentration" to "Anxiety rises" seems a bit awkward, but I want to keep everything before "Cadence" together to create/keep a quick, frantic pace (like the music).


As for your other comment:

"If you're looking to catch the feeling of dissonance from dancing that line makes it seem like you don't want to be there rather then feeling disconnected and ecstatic."

Wouldn't feeling disconnected be the same as feeling dissonant here? I'd say the speaker is both and therefore not ecstatic because she doesn't show up.

[amberlee]

That makes sense. Sorry I didn't re-read my comment and got it confused. What I meant by ecstatic was not the exciting emotion, but the experience of reaching another level of consciousness. Sorry I wrote my thesis on ecstatic experiences, specifically through dance and forgot to clarify.

I like the idea of keeping the first part together as well, I think that works for what you're trying for, ie the frantic pace. I'm wondering if you're trying to capture the sense of movement in the piece if you write a bit more what the body's doing. You have the pores flare part which is good, what about writing something about the fluidity of the body or something to do with how the body is moving?

[Jackson A Ragg III]

Good idea about describing how the body is moving. I'll definitely try to develop that a bit. Thanks for all your input!

[amberlee]

Thanks for posting! Its been a lot of fun to workshop too!